Finding Bloody Potter a Bloody Date
by Mellia Black
Summary: How hard could it be? You have no idea... He's helpless.
1. Mr Lonely

Diclaimer: I Disclaim.

Author's Notes: This will be ten chapters long. Harry will find the RIGHT one in chapter ten. I will update this small fic daily. The title and first quote has parts of Akon's Lonely. Not mine.And please note, this is a joke. It's humor. Funneh.

Chapter I - - Mr. Lonelyv.s.Lavender

"I'm so lonely… I have nobody… Nobody loves me!" Harry Potter cried, banging his head up and down on his 'Dating Table'. Ron had set up a stand to help Harry find the perfect girl. Pfft. If there was such a thing.

You see, Harry Potter had not kissed a girl since Cho in his fifth year. It was now his seventh year, and Harry had been named the school Drama Queen. He was always moping around and doing pathetic things. **BECAUSE HE IS PATHETIC!** Ironic, isn't it? That's what Ron based his slogan on. Date Harry Potter and mold him into something that isn't pathetic!

Harry had interviewed countless girls. And he was aiming toward a goal. Yep, the number four seemed to be Harry's luck number.

Suddenly a _**GIRL**_ sat down on the stool in front of the booth and gave Harry a sheepish smile. "Hi, do you want to go to Hogsmeade sometime soon, Harry?"

"Umm. You have to answer the questionnaire. Firstly, boxers, knickers, or briefs?"

The **girl**, a certain Lavender Brown, looked at him in disgust. "What kind of question is that?"

"Next question. Are you wild and kiss before the one year anniversary? Personally, I think that might be a little outlandish, but-"

"Goodbye, Harry."

Lavender got up, only to roll her eyes and tear up the brochure. Which wasn't that impressive anyway.

Seeing Goyle pass by with a **DROP DEAD SEXY** smirk, Harry called out to Lavender, "It's over, baby! We're through! You weren't that special, anyway. But I'm special! I know I am. See, I have a scar. AND YOU DON'T! So, nah! Ha! You'll never find someone out there like me-"

Harry trailed off as he saw Lavender throw her boyfriend, Seamus, against the wall and snog his brains out.


	2. Harry Potter That Pansy

Disclaimer: I disclaim.

Author's Notes: Wow. A second update in one day. I told you, this fic will be finished within two weeks, as I'm out of school now. Thanks to the people who reviewed chapter one and still will. Emma, if I'm not on your alerts, how can you tell that I update like right when I do? Anyways, I love you. You've reviewed every story I've had and have been the first reviewer. ;)

Chapter II - - Harry Potter- That Pansy

Harry Potter was sulking. "Sulk, sulk, sulk, sulk, sulk! I'm sick of sulking! It's Valentines' Day, and the only female that has approached me todaywas Lavender!"

Harry Potter was acting like a baby. People were starting to think that little Harry Potter was –le gaspeth- **gay**. And it was sad. **Truly Friggin' Sad**. Poor little Harry Potter. No one loves him. Not even his owl. It bit him. On the nose. It hurt. Trust me, I was laughing my ass off when he started wailing like a four year old when not getting a boo boo.

**I actually feel bad for Potter.** **I pity him.**

"Are you Potter?" Pansy Parkinson asked, sitting down on the small stool in front of Harry's 'Dating Booth'.

"Yes. Are you interested on going out on a date with me?"

"I guess..." She grumbled.

"Okay. First question. Boxers, briefs, or knickers?"

"Knickers."

"Do you kiss on the first date?"

"Who doesn't?" She smirked at him.

"Umm, are you into long term relationships?"

Pansy looked like she was about to choke out laughing. "This was a joke, Potter. In truth, I think you're a real sissy boy. Bye, Potter, see you around." Pansy then got off of the stool and **RAN** away.

"Oh my goodness, oh my goshness, look at wittle Potter's Poshness!"


	3. Can't Weasel Yourself a Date

Disclaimer: I disclaim. Muhahaha... But Drakey is MINE!

Author's Notes: Please check out my other stories, and I hope you enjoy this one. This is a joke. I would never write like this in real life... Is this real life? Oh, by the way, I'll give you a hint to the ending. It'll be -gaspeh- Slash. No, I don't like slash, but it will be funny! Don't worry, no gross stuff... FLAMES ARE WELCOME:)

Chapter III - - Can't Weasel Yourself a Date. OR Harry Potter Turns Goth

Harry felt a tear run down his cheek as Ginny poked him in the eye with some blue eyeliner. (AN: **LOVE** the stuff! -gushes-) "Gosh, Weasel Queen, I could have poked myself by _myself_!"

Ginny mumbled something about Pothead not making sense and purposely began to put green eye shadow on the corner of his eyes. "Just because you have your new 'look', doesn't mean you can act like an ass like Malfoy! I didn't even get flowers!"

"What was that, Little Red?" Malfoy said as he came around the corner, carrying a large black suitcase.

"Nothing, Drakey. Did you bring the other supplies?"

"Yeah. And I had to drag them away from Pansy like a goblin with galleons. Remind me why we're helping Potter again?"

"Because you love me, Ferret Boy. Besides, Pothead here owes me a favor."

"I don't even want to know..." Draco muttered and unlatched the suitcase. It held everything they needed to cause… accidents. -evil grin-

Ginny grabbed the tweezers and whispered to Draco, "Curl his eyelashes."

"My pleasure."

About thirty seconds later, Harry found his eyebrows being plucked at a slow rate and his eyelashes almost being yanked out of his eyelids.

This went on and on, and Harry was beginning to become restless. Suddenly, Harry let out a blood curdling scream.

"Damn! What the hell is wrong with you!"

"Draco, what'd you do to him?"

"Pierced his ear, is all."

"The queer one?"

"Sadly… yes." Draco held in his laughter and popped a skull shaped stud into Harry's ear. "For you, Weasel." Draco winked at Ginny and put his thumb up.

"My boyfriend is a bleeding idiot…" Ginny muttered to herself and continued to mix the dye for Harry's hair.

"What color?"

"Black."

"It's already black."

"Onyx then. It's darker." Harry said and busied himself by charming his clothes black.

And so they had transformed him. They used cover up for his scar, trimmed his hair into a meterosexual style, and dyed it onyx. Harry was told by Draco to pierce his tongue with an ice cube and a needle. His eyes were now a dark brown, and he wore green eyeshadow, the blue eyeliner from before, and a darker green to edge his eyes. Harry had nicked a pair of black shoes. Which was unfortunate because the only ones he could find were Hermione's.

The heels were killing him.

Harry had done it. He was now Goth. (AN: No offense to anyone reading this! This is a joke, and I am going by stereotypes! Believe me, I hate to label people and this is just a joke:P If you want to flame me, please do so.)

Finishing up, Harry turned to Ginny and smiled devilishly through his ONYX hair. "Weasley, want to have a go with me?"

"No, she doesn't." Draco answered for her. Ginny shook her head. "Doubt you could get anyone looking like that… Come on, Gin. Let's find a broom closet."

"'Mmmkay."

Harry was now alone again. The depression instantly fell upon him and he felt like the incredible Hulk, waiting to unleash his wrath!

Author's Notes: I have no clue in hell what I'm doing. Any ideas?


	4. Encounters of a Loon

Disclaimer: Doh! I disclaim.

Author's Notes: Sorry I haven't updated in awhile. (I say it at the bottom too.) To enjoy this, you must have a sick and twisted idea of humor. ;) Thank you for the reviews! And sorry I didn't do this before. I forgot. And I love you all.

Chapter IV - - Encounters of a Loon

Harry had ditched the whole 'Goth' look after waiting for about an hour. He had had one interviewer in his 'Dark' times. A certain Hannah Abbot. She didn't dig it.

So, here he was, arms folded, hair making a curtain around his eyes, and leaning against the wall. He had a nonchalant look upon his face, his features bored. The brochure now said, 'Read him like an open book!' And after the depression of having his worst, sworn, arch… you get the bloody idea… enemy steal his supposed biggest fan club member away to only seduce her into being his- girlfriend- well, so say the least, Harry was pissed.

Not only was he being called a homosexual- But to have the embarrassment of having his future girlfriend- who he could care less about in a romantic way, by the way- reject him and run off with his inferior- well, that was bad.

Draco Malfoy finally had one up on Harry Potter.

Draco.

Malfoy.

Had.

Finally.

Won.

He won.

Go Draco!

Yes!

Draco Malfoy is the SUPREME RULER OF ALL!

((AN: Anyways, this is a story of HARRY POTTER. NOT DRACO MALFOY. Although, I wish it was.))

Anywho, back to the story.

…

And so, he had won. Harry was now wallowing in his own self stupidity. I mean pity.

Suddenly, Harry felt a tap on his shoulder and turned to face the person.

It was Loony Loopy Luna Lovegood.

"Harry, I need to ask you-"

Harry's ears perked up and he nodded. Luna's misty grey eyes were filled with confusion as Harry practically engulfed her in a hug.

((AN: All you Harry and Luna shippers cheer!))

Luna stood rigid, and she waited for him to let go.

"Harry-" she said softly, putting a hand on his arm.

"You don't have to say anything. I feel the same way."

"But, Harry-"

"Shh, I'm just glad you were ready to admit it."

"Harry-"

"I love you too."

"HARRY!"

"Is there something wrong?"

"YES! You dolt! I have no idea in hell what you're doing! I start to ask you about Neville's toad-"

"His toad? But I thought-"

"Of course you did! You thought I'd stoop as low as to come onto you at this stupid booth! Do you think I'm a moron? I wanted to know where the bloody toad was, not if you were extra hormonal today. You sicken me, Harry. Merlin, I swear!" Luna went on and on and on and on and on and on and on about how big a moron he was and that he was the largest prick she had ever met as she walked down the hall, making wild arm gestures.

"No one hears about this, Harry," said Harry. "It would ruin our reputations. Loony, no less!"

96969696

AN: And all you Luna and Harry shipers can flame me now. But make it funny! Sorry I hadn't updated in awhile. I am planning on updating The Unpredictable Predictable Red today also. I will make sure this story goes faster, and if you have any suggestions on what Harry should do, drop me a review. Love 'ya!


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